An Introduction....

My name is Stephanie and I am 26 years old. I am a GIS Specialist working for an Environmental firm where I make sub surface maps. I have a lovely partner who is a Theatre teacher. We have a great little home where we live with our three cats. We are active in our church and community.

Everything was pretty amazing until a couple of weeks ago.

I lost my license....

I know that should be pretty insignificant, but it sent me down a rollercoaster of emotions. I was at the bank and swore I had my ID in my pocket. I left the teller and returned to my car. When I looked at the clock I had been searching for my ID for almost an hour. I went home and told my partner that I lost my ID. By this time I was just so anxious. I told her I was leaving. She asked where. I said I didn't know. She asked when I would return...I said I didn't know.

All I knew at that moment was I had to leave.

I came back and we had a fight. She just didn't understand why I was acting in such a way. I didn't have any answers for her, because I didn't know either.

That night was the worst night of my life....

All these terrible thoughts were racing through my head. All night I argued with myself about life.

The next day was terrible. I asked for help. I went to a doctor.

I started having dreams that I cut myself. It really scared me. I had never thought of doing something like this before.

Two days later...I cut for the first time.

I don't remember a lot about it. I thought I had done it once or twice. I didn't look at it again until I told my partner what I had done. She asked me to show her and when I did we were both shocked to see that I had done it several times. We both cried. I said I didn't want to do it again.

That was a Tuesday....and Thursday I cut again. It makes me feel better in that moment. It acts as a dam to the flooding and flooding of thoughts that doesn't stop. In that moment...I have relief.

Yesterday, would have been five days of no cutting. I went to work...and I stayed the whole day. I was so anxious. I knew I wanted to cut, but I was pleading with myself not to act on the feelings.

I watered some flowers, I put some laundry to wash.....

I couldn't shake the feeling.

I cut.

It is the worst so far. In my head I just did it for a second.

I didn't want to tell my partner, but I broke down and did.

She asked to see and I refused to show her.

She insisted.

She counted more than fifty cuts.

I don't know how I got here.